As I've been one half of another person for the past two years, the thought of being solo sometimes puts my nerves on edge.
Yes, Please. Party of One. by Andrew O'Hagan
Solo Bike Adventure by Joy The Baker
In his article, Mr. Hagan's writes, "People who depend on other people are often in hiding from themselves." This truly struck a cord with me.
I've spent a lot of time these last few years in a sort of witness protection from myself. I've been hiding behind family and friends, their joys and deep sorrows, and also within my relationship,where the waters are warm and things just have a way of working out right; even if outside those arms the weather is raging.
I've never really liked being alone, but I've never really enjoyed my own company that much either. I think this is part of the reason that Los Angeles and I don't get along most days. LA is quite an alienating place, even with all of these other people around. It took me a while to find my footing and even after three long years here, I still feel like LA and I are in a bit of an tenuous relationship. We scream and yell (mostly obscene profanities) but when we calm down, I see the beauty that lies in small things here.
This city has been a bit discordant with my practice as well. It takes considerable effort to find peace and quiet amongst the crowded streets and clogged travel ways. I finally built a small oasis of candles, props, and a little corner with just enough wall space to do a handstand.
The idea of being alone with myself is something I truly hope to be able to enjoy someday. Life, for me at least, has always been about the needs of others over my own. I figured that I would be happy if everyone around me was happy. It's been a hard lesson, but I am learning that I can't make anyone else happy without first being happy myself. It seems selfish to take a moment of solace in yourself each day. Whether it's a cup of tea, a few gorgeous pages of that novel you love, a hot bath, or laying on the floor with your eyes closed while listening to that song you've been dying to play uninterrupted. These are moments I find hard to create. But sometimes we just need reminding that we need to take care of ourselves better. It doesn't mean we don't have to make time for the people we love, but we NEED to be SELFISH. We need those little moments, to bring us back to ourselves. Sometimes we need to abandon the safe shores of home and wade out into the unknown by ourselves. We will never regret that we did.
Take a moment to think about SELF. It's a big scary word for some of us, but that's when we need it the most.